“Mrs. Collier, is there anything this court can do to help you and your husband reconcile and save your marriage?” “No Your Honor.”
She asked me that in September 2010 and again October 2011. The latter was much more final. And even though we made plans, worked toward that outcome, it was still heart breaking. We were going to be together forever. Within 15 minutes a 15 year marriage was done. It all happened so fast. I wonder if there will come a day when I stop asking myself what went wrong, did we really ever know each other, could I have done something differently to elicit a less-hurtful outcome? I know the answers to these questions now, but they still swirl around from time to time. This is sadder than I thought. But at the same time, I feel freer than before. I have been very cautious over the past 15 months with things I say or do in fear that it would be used against me. Not having to evaluate and strategize is very nice.
So, now what? I'm not sure. Everyday seems to be a struggle with one thing or another. I frequently have flashes of memories of the good times. They haunt me. I wonder for how long....
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