The End of a Chapter

“Mrs. Collier, is there anything this court can do to help you and your husband reconcile and save your marriage?” “No Your Honor.”

She asked me that in September 2010 and again October 2011. The latter was much more final. And even though we made plans, worked toward that outcome, it was still heart breaking. We were going to be together forever. Within 15 minutes a 15 year marriage was done. It all happened so fast. I wonder if there will come a day when I stop asking myself what went wrong, did we really ever know each other, could I have done something differently to elicit a less-hurtful outcome? I know the answers to these questions now, but they still swirl around from time to time. This is sadder than I thought. But at the same time, I feel freer than before. I have been very cautious over the past 15 months with things I say or do in fear that it would be used against me. Not having to evaluate and strategize is very nice.   

So, now what?  I'm not sure.  Everyday seems to be a struggle with one thing or another.  I frequently have flashes of memories of the good times.  They haunt me.  I wonder for how long.... 

The "Shoulds"

Life has so many shoulds and as women I submit that we create even more for ourselves. As daughters, sisters, cousins, aunts, wives, mothers, employees, employers, volunteers, and more.... they all have their own set of “shoulds”. We should be tender, supportive wives. We should be calm, cool collected moms, who raise healthy, well-adjusted kids. We should run our house efficiently. We should pay our bills on time. We should be supportive, fun friends. We should be conscientious, hard working employees. We should be compassionate, fair employers. We should think of the needs of others. And what about the shoulds for ourselves. We should exercise. We should eat healthy. We should wash our faces. We should brush our teeth twice a day. We should take multi-vitamin. We should drink water. I find it hard to wash my face everyday and you want me to exercise for 30 minutes? Really? I'm tired just thinking about the doing.

Why do we expect so much from ourselves? Who put all of this pressure on us? Did we? Our mothers? Does society? Whoever it is, we just need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Or maybe it just me? Oh, I hope not.  We certainly need to cut oursleves a little bit of the slack that we give everyone else. 

Alone vs. Lonely

One of the hardest aspects of separation and divorce is learning how to spend time alone.  Over time this has gotten better.  When married, I always relished time alone.  It has been a hard transition, but I am beginning to enjoy my time alone.  I have learned that I need some interaction at least every 24 hours, to keep depression at bay.  That is still hard to ask for, but I'm getting better. 

About a year ago, a friend told me "you may be lonely, but you aren't alone".  I recently came across my response to that statement.  And even though I am in a much better place now than I was then, I wanted to share this so that you could see how where I was compared to where I am now.  That is not to say that everyday I am above the thought from a year ago, but they are much less frequent. 

(PS - it did take me about a season to get to where I could watch The Closer again.  Thank goodness for DVR so I could catch up before the next season!)

Alone vs Lonely

Remember – there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. Is there? Is there really? Or is that just something people who aren’t alone say in an effort to make those that are alone feel better? I can tell you it just doesn’t matter. When you are alone, you are alone and lonely is a constant companion. When you go from married to single, you are alone. Your friends don’t know what to say or do. You have been a couple for so long that people don’t think about the fact that now you aren’t anymore. Meals and favorite shows that were once shared on a regular basis are now spent alone – if you can even bring yourself to eat a meal or watch what was once your favorite show. The last thing you want to do is impose on someone else’s family time. Some of us just don’t have the ability to invite ourselves. And after 17 years, and at 37 years old, single friends do not abound. And it doesn’t help when you reach out and you get no response. What is worse – to have a support system at the ready at work Monday-Friday, 9-5, but then after hours, especially weekends, nothing.

Being responsible for the 24/7 care of children doesn’t really help things either. Even if you do get an opportunity to spend time with friends – the care of the kids is an issue. This is not to say that you don’t love your children, but it’s like having the freedom of a cell only to be locked on the block. You can get out, but there is still a limit. There are those friends that you know you can count on. Things get rough, your dog is sick, the grass needs to be cut. Just a phone call and they are here. What if it’s just someone to watch TV with? Someone to run by the grocery store for milk? Someone to scratch your back? Someone to hold you when you cry and tell you that it’s okay? Someone to remind you that it hurts now, but you are strong enough to overcome? What about then?

You’ve been told that you are a hard person to be friends with because you have trouble opening up. You think of yourself as a bad friend or one who doesn’t do well at making friends because you find yourself busy with other things and you “forget” about your friends. Maybe you just haven’t taken the time for them, which does not serve you well now.

Webster’s defines alone as “separated from others, isolated”. Lonely is defined as “being without company, lone”. You understand the lonely-but-not-alone concept. But when you are alone, it’s hard to appreciate the subtle, and fine lines between the two.



Friends - Lost and Found

One of the hardest things about divorce is the loss of the "other" relationships - friends WE had, extended family, church family, etc.  On the flip side, I have found true friends and reconnected with old friends.  Besides I never really felt like part of the group of our small town friends.  Everyone there was either related or had been friends since kindergarten.  That is hard to compete with.  I recognize that I bear some responsibility in not developing those relationships.  I could say I was too busy with work, family, church activities, etc.  But truth is I was not good at keeping in touch.  However, I really thought that my church friends would be with me... provide support and comfort.  And they did, sort of.  I'm not sure what I expected - meals, pick up groceries, take kids for an afternoon, have us for dinner....

The truth is we were the only couple in the church (that I know of) that were separated.  I really think they just did not know what to say or do.  A broken marriage is like a death.... death of some one very close to you.  And the same things done for those grieving a life can and should be done for those grieving the death of their marriage.... visits, food, calls, cards, etc...  What do you say to someone going through a separation? "Hey.  How are you?" is a good start.  Simple, I know, but that's all it takes.  What do you say to someone who's spouse or child dies?  Who knows.  You are just there and you say "I don't know what to say" and you hold them and let them grieve.  This insight is why I believe God allowed me this process so that I can take care of someone in the future.

I still struggle with reaching out to the friends I have.  I know they are there... but to call up and say I need someone to talk to or someone to have dinner with or to just not be alone... to interrupt their time with their families... I just can't bring myself to do it.  When the kids are with me this thought doesn't permeate my every waking moment.  When they are gone, it is a much harder to manage. 

A friend once told me that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that I am never alone.  That is a subtle distinction but the gap is unfathomable when you are lonely. I'm so glad we have a cat now!

My musings

Ah vacation.... first real one I have had in about 15 years.  We certainly had our challenges.  Me, my mom and dad and two kids in a small condo, but overall we had a great week.  Met some nice folks from NC.  Ate good food.  Walked on the beach.  Looked for sea shells.  Swam.  And thought....

I did more thinking than I like to, but with nothing else to occupy my mind, it did what it is supposed to do.  Anyway, I have many things that I would like to share but now that I am back to my crazy life, it may take a while to get them all on "paper".  So I thought I would give a preview of the things that are running around in my head.  I thought a lot about friends & love - lost and found, being mom and dad, discipline & accountability, reading an actual book (the whole thing), what my future holds as my nest will begin to empty in 6 short years, the struggles of too much aloneness, the legal aspects of divorce....

So you see, just a few things to come  :)

Intro - Why in the world?

I am a soon to be divorced mother of two incredible children. This past year has been a heart-wrenching journey. And since then life has been a roller coaster. The promise in 2 Corinthians 1:3&4 (above) has been a life line for me and is the motivation behind this blog. I cannot bear the thought that I would have been through all of this in vain.

So you may be wondering why. Why would I want to share this journey with anyone and why anyone would want to take it with me? Because I know the hurt and loneliness a failed marriage brings. I know the struggles and triumphs of single parenthood. I know how desperately I wanted just one person to understand. I have such incredible support from my close friends, but for someone to say “I've been there. I know.” That is powerful. If I can share my story with others and it help even one person to know they aren't alone.... my journey will be worth it.

This is not a forum for bashing my soon to be ex or anyone else's. Just a place to tell the story of my life now – a working, single mom – trying to balance a career with raising well-adjusted children and doubting my ability every day. Dealing with the struggles of everyday activities, the frustration with being the “only one” to do the daily things, feeling dog tired but going to the store anyway for milk for your kids. Every parent does these things.... but when the responsibility is all your own, it can wear you down.

My intention is not for this to be a place to air my worries and woes. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. My prayer truly is that those that read this will be comforted by the compassion I have received from God in my troubles.