Friends - Lost and Found

One of the hardest things about divorce is the loss of the "other" relationships - friends WE had, extended family, church family, etc.  On the flip side, I have found true friends and reconnected with old friends.  Besides I never really felt like part of the group of our small town friends.  Everyone there was either related or had been friends since kindergarten.  That is hard to compete with.  I recognize that I bear some responsibility in not developing those relationships.  I could say I was too busy with work, family, church activities, etc.  But truth is I was not good at keeping in touch.  However, I really thought that my church friends would be with me... provide support and comfort.  And they did, sort of.  I'm not sure what I expected - meals, pick up groceries, take kids for an afternoon, have us for dinner....

The truth is we were the only couple in the church (that I know of) that were separated.  I really think they just did not know what to say or do.  A broken marriage is like a death.... death of some one very close to you.  And the same things done for those grieving a life can and should be done for those grieving the death of their marriage.... visits, food, calls, cards, etc...  What do you say to someone going through a separation? "Hey.  How are you?" is a good start.  Simple, I know, but that's all it takes.  What do you say to someone who's spouse or child dies?  Who knows.  You are just there and you say "I don't know what to say" and you hold them and let them grieve.  This insight is why I believe God allowed me this process so that I can take care of someone in the future.

I still struggle with reaching out to the friends I have.  I know they are there... but to call up and say I need someone to talk to or someone to have dinner with or to just not be alone... to interrupt their time with their families... I just can't bring myself to do it.  When the kids are with me this thought doesn't permeate my every waking moment.  When they are gone, it is a much harder to manage. 

A friend once told me that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that I am never alone.  That is a subtle distinction but the gap is unfathomable when you are lonely. I'm so glad we have a cat now!